Remembering

Some days just stick out in your mind. They aren't necessarily memories that will last forever, like anniversaries or birthdays, but they linger for a while. February 20, 2009, was not a good day for me.
I kept a page in the front of my DayTimer last year, dated 2/20/09. On it: several scriptures, written out-- John 14:1, John 14:13-14, John 14:27, Matthew 7:7-12, Luke 12:31-32, Luke 17:6. As I read back over these verses that I recorded a year ago, the memory of all these emotions came flooding back... fear, anxiety, lack of faith. I was in the middle of a personal crisis.
I had been desperately wanting a baby. Rob and I had found out a few weeks prior that I was having some "female trouble", and I felt like God had been ignoring me. I didn't believe that God was hearing my prayers. I think my biggest struggle at that time was that I was afraid to pray, afraid to tell God what was in my heart (as if He didn't know), and afraid to ask Him for what I wanted- out of fear that His answer would be "No." I was afraid of being rejected {again} by God. Rob was praying daily that God would heal my body, take away the bad, and replace it with a tiny baby. I listened to him pray every morning with envy, wishing that I shared his faith. It wasn't that I didn't believe God COULD answer, but I didn't think He WOULD, not for me. Why should He answer my prayers? Somehow, I convinced myself that if I didn't ask, He couldn't say no.
I knew that this was a lie, that God desired to hear from me. I vividly remember getting up from my desk and shutting the door to my office before I broke down in tears, frantically searching for these verses because I didn't know what else to do. I was consumed by these terrible thoughts and I didn't want to be. As I wrote down these promises of Jesus, I begged God to give me the strength to believe they were for me.
I'm not sure I ever fully came around to faith even the size of a mustard seed. You know how the story ends though- my house is now happily cluttered with all things soft and pink, and my heart melts daily when I see a huge, gummy grin.
I'm glad I held on to this piece of paper. Today, it is a reminder that God's faithfulness doesn't depend on me. The faith journey is not a straight path; it is marked by mountain peaks and deep valleys and surprise turns. I'm still learning to be consistent when the road is not. But God is good, no matter what. Praise the LORD, all you nations; extol him, all you peoples. For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever. Praise the LORD. Psalm 117